WARNING: The following content is completely hormone-driven.

I have been trying to compile a list of the top 10 things not to say to a pregnant woman…

Can any of you moms help me out? I only have a few so far…I am not sure where they would go on the list…



YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE ABOUT TO POP! (you can’t say this unless you see a baby’s head crowning from my vagina.)


FYI I might look GINORMOUS but I have gained 26 pounds. Which puts me at a whopping 129 pounds and I am 8 months pregnant. How many women in their 30’s who have given birth twice weigh 126 when they are NOT pregnant? Not many. I am having a baby in 7 weeks or less and I weigh less than 130 pounds. When I give birth I will be on crack or a treadmill, but the weight will STILL come off…and it’s STILL not ok for people to look at pics of me when I was pregnant and tell me how huge I was. It’s rude.

Ok, these may seem ridiculous, but these are things people have actually said to me. I know I am easy to talk to and I am laid back and I like to joke around, but when I am pregnant, I have hormones I can’t control and if you don’t have something nice to say, do me a solid and shut the fuck up.


Pregnancy Pt 2

If you have ever been pregnant you will understand this. If you have ever wondered what the hell goes through my mind at any given moment, holy crap. Here we go.

It’s 5:26 a.m. I am WIDE awake. Pregnancy insomnia rocks.

This past week during the numerous times my unborn child kicks me in the bladder throughout the night, I have been finding it difficult to get back to sleep if I am awakened after 4:00 AM. In case you are taking a survey and you want to know how I feel about this, I feel as though it blows.

I was just thinking…and that’s scary…James doesn’t even ask me what’s on my mind any more. I am not complaining, I am actually kinda cool with it. There used to be a time when he asked me all the time. For example if we are driving along in the car and it’s just me and him and I am being quiet, he used to turn off the radio and say, “Whatcha thinkin?” But he has since learned his lesson. I used to politely say, “A million things. You don’t wanna know.” And instead of simply taking that literally, I imagine he must have thought something might be wrong, so he would sometimes insist I tell him what was going on inside this brain of mine. The truth is, a million random things. For example:

This morning at 4:23 I was awakened by the dog. She needed to pee. She’s 7 years old (49 in people years) and the old bladder ain’t what she used to be so James faithfully awakened and took her outside to go potty. Lemme just segway here and say that this is one of the MANY reasons I know he will be an excellent dad when the baby arrives…anywho, when he came back to bed he accidentally kicked the step-ladder I have to use to get into our GINORMOUS bed and it woke me up. A normal person could probably get right back to sleep after that. Not me. Immediately my mind went from the complete darkness of sleep to a million things. Lucky you, I am gonna jot some of these down.

I work at a pretty cool place. Most days I don’t want to shoot anyone in the face, so in my book, that ranks the place 90% better than any other place I have ever worked. Today at around 2:00 the GM sent out a mass e-mail telling everyone he had tickets to 4 (or something) Cards games next week, and he would be giving them away to people who said they were interested…well…duh. Free Cards tix? Heck yes I wanna go! So I said I was interested, and voila! My name was one of the lucky winners and I got 4 free tix to the Cards vs. Diamondbacks game next week. I thought it was the game on Wednesday, however it’s the game on Tuesday, Sept 23rd. So at 4:23 this morning I couldn’t get back to sleep because I realized I can’t go to the game because we have Madi’s first Brownie meeting of the year that night starting at 5:30. SHIT. I even got up, waddled into the kitchen and verified that the tix were in fact for that date and we can’t go. CRIKEY.

So then I attempted to go back to bed. I have 3 pillows I sleep with, or is it 4? Anyway, first I woke James up to tell him that I can’t go to the game on Tuesday because it’s the night of the meeting, he had a complete coherent conversation with me (and he will NOT remember ANY of it later…trust me), then 3.42 seconds later, was able to fall back into a deep snoring sleep. Not fair.

So I tried to get comfy with the 3 or 4 pillows and I soon realized I have some super diggity-dope acid reflux kickin’ it old school at the back of my throat. Mmmmm…buttered popcorn and Mountain Dew. That’s what I had at the movies with Nik and Peggy…we saw “The Women” and it was so good…but I realized the popcorn was about to make an encore appearance so I sat up. I looked at the clock…after 5:00 already? Sweet. I tried to arrange the 3 or 4 pillows in such a way so that I could sleep sitting up. Sha right. The acid isn’t as bad, but now I have a foot/arm/elbow/something in my ribs. This won’t work. So I think, “I can go blog.” Which brings me here. Holy crap this must be mind-numbing for you to read.

So I am here. Just blogging out the random shit in my head. I promise, the 2 paragraphs you just read don’t even scratch the surface. Randomly…in no certain order…this is the chaos that happens behind my eyes, between my ears at any given moment…

“who in the fk does she think she is coming over to my desk telling me how to do my job??” – this happens at work a lot.

“My pee stinks. I shoud probably drink more water.”

“I need to go cash out those winning lotto tickets.”

“Wow, now that my boobs are giant, they sweat when I sleep.”

“Why did I cut my hair off? Oh yeah, because it’s naturally curly and it looks like I have 80’s hair when it’s long. Plus I am in my 30’s now and I have to grow up sometime. I think James would think I was sexy if I had long hair, maybe not…”

“Dude, what the fk is this baby doing in there??? Tai bo?? SWEET.”

“I curse way too much.”

“I forgot to mail in that rebate for our new phones…I have to remember that tomorrow.”

“I need to go to the freakin’ grocery store.”

“I never called my mom back the other day, I wonder if she thinks I am mad at her.”

“I really need to get to my friend Toni’s house and see her baby again, he’s a month old now. Crap.”

“Holy lord, look at my hands, they are swollen. Probably shouldn’t have had those 6 snack-size snickers bars…but the almond ones are so tasty…who knew??”

“I wonder if I will ever be skinny again.”

“Did TUMS work last time when I had acid reflux or should I just take the Pepto?”

“I need to vacuum in the living room”

“Sweet mother of crap is that ANOTHER zit? What the fack already with this pregnancy acne??”

“I miss Lauren.”

“Sweet Jane when is this acid reflux crap gonna go away? Oh yeah, should probably take some medicine.”

“Pepper snores waaay too loud. So does James. But at least he rolls over when I nudge him.”

“I wonder if, nah…there’s no way.”

“I need to get back to sleep.”

“I really think we are screwed in this election. For rizzle dude. Sarah Palin is pretty but she is backwards in her thinking. Like they will ever overturn Roe v Wade. Not in your lifetime sista. Why don’t you just promise people childbirth won’t hurt? Dumbass.”

“Oh sweet merciful crap I don’t have any clean clothes to wear tomorrow and what the hell happened to my purple shirt? I just bought it. Crap.”

“I need to look in Madi’s homework folder and I still didn’t get that list of supplies she needs for REACH”

“What happened to Meg Ryan’s lips? DUDE. Let the air out.”

“I need to dust in here.”

“Cool, my right leg is asleep. Hope I don’t faceplant on the steps in the dark.”

“I need to burn that Bob Marley CD for Pink.”

“…If someone said three years from now, you’d be long gone I’d stand up and punch them out…’cause they’re all wrong…”

“I wonder when Pink will just admit she’s gay…not Melissa Pink, the artist Pink, seriously dude…who cares? Just come out already.”

“Sweet crap I need to take some Pepto, why do they call that butter? It’s not really butter…it’s greasy chemical sludge.”

“I am forgetting something…I know I am forgetting something…”

Ok so that’s what I have going on right now, and let me tell you all of that happens to be going on in my head most of the time. No shit. James doesn’t ask “whatcha thinkin?” anymore because he finally trusts that it’s a zillion things and he doesn’t want to have to have me committed somewhere. It’s 6:04 AM now. I can’t get back to sleep, which means I will be bitchy as hell today. I could call Sandy, I bet she’s up. Nah, she’s not up yet.

Am I the only person awake right now? Probably. Will I read back over this and eventually delete it? Nah, too lazy.