So another season is upon us…one more St. Louis summer under our belts as we bid a fond adieu to the humidity and greet the brisk fall air. The clouds were kind enough to give us enough rain so we can watch the trees slowly change from a deep green, to amber, then to bright orange and after they are kissed with red, they fall to the ground so that we can rake them into what will become a crisp playground for my family to enjoy together outside. I love fall. I love that I can whisper on the wind and have it carried to who knows where, I can say anything I want and the breeze whisks it away just like the last fallen leaf. Along with the change in the seasons come changes in our lives. More missing teeth and visits from the tooth fairy, learning long division, baby is going to take her first steps and have her first birthday, we are moving into our new home, our marriage is strong and our love is good. I am thankful for my life and all the seasons and that I am here breathing the changes. Life is good.

Find these things in THIS magazine

When I am in the waiting room at the dentist’s office, I grab the Highlights(C) magazine (usually circa 1986) and immediately turn to the page that says “Find these objects in THIS magazine.”

It makes no difference to me which item I am able to find first, because I always rip that page out of the magazine and throw it away. Ha ha! Fuck your kid.

No Shitters

There are several things in everyday life that shall go down as what my hubbs and I like to call “No shitters.” These can best be described as the things that, when they happen and the result is something we should all have expected, you can likely find yourself saying, “Well NO SHIT!” I saw that coming…After you read each excerpt, I challenge you to not say “No Shit!” afterward. Gimme some feedback, share some of your NO SHITTERS with me!

No shitter #1:
When you are a person who does not have children, yet you place yourself in a conversation amParenting  Tipsongst people who are parents and you attempt to give advice about parenting, you are an idiot. Look, we know you grabbed a Parents Magazine from circa 1986 last time you were at the dentist because all the Highlights Magazines were taken. We know you read an article about the best way to introduce peas to your crabby 1 year old. You are the equivalent of a virgin trying to teach sex education- you are not equipped with the tools for the job; even if you think you know…you don’t. Your best bet is to stay quiet and learn. If you should choose to put yourself in the lion’s den by putting in your two cents…prepare to be eaten alive.

No shitter #2:
Hot CoalsWhen you are 8 years old and you are sitting around a campfire mesmerized by the white hot coals at the bottom and you ask your mom, “Are those really hot?” and she tells you that they are the HOTTEST part of the fire, she is not lying to you. Your mom is there to protect you, numb nuts. About 14 seconds from this moment when your mom heads back to the cooler to grab herself another beer and you think to yourself, “She is probably wrong, those coals are not even on fire, there are no flames on them, I can TOTALLY touch one!” get ready asshole, bedtime is right around the corner. Now mommy is gonna give you some Tylenol and start up a 3 day whiskey bender. Way to go smarty.

No shitter #3:
If you are the boss at your work and you push your weight around and treat your employees like you are the captain on a bus load of window-licking retards wearing helmets, they will hate you. Just because you are the boss, you do not GET respect. You must earn it. When you do not empathize with employees because they have personal errands (like everyone else – including you) and you make thJanice (Lorna Scott) from Wanted em feel bad for having to take care of some shit during business hours, they will make fun of you every time you are not within ear shot. They will not just be in a bad mood for a day…they will hate on you every chance they get. They will flip you off under their desk, make fun of your hair, your clothes, your voice, the way your nostrils flare when you get pissy and all riled up…EVERYTHING. Get used to it jerk, it’s all part of getting paid the big bucks. If you haven’t seen the movie ‘Wanted’ then this reference will be lost on you, but your employees will equate you to the fat red-headed bitchface hag of a boss in that movie. If you haven’t seen that movie, see it. It gives mad props to those of us who daydream about doing ANYTHING but work for the man.


10 Reasons why I do not frequent Cici’s Pizza

1. Their pizza tastes like busted ass sprinkled with minced stank foot served on cardboard.
2. It smells like a stale turd in there all the time. Just cleaned? Still the smell of fresh turd.
3. Bluegrass on Tuesdays.
4. No percussion in the bluegrass band, not even any spoons! WTF kinda bluegrass band shows up without their spoons?? I was tempted to go to the food bar and grab a pair of spoons and join in…because as it turns out if you want to join the bluegrass band that plays at Cici’s Pizza in Arnold MO on a Tuesday night…none of the following things is a prerequisite:
*Singing better than a wounded goose, thus sporting the vocal stylings of a deaf goat.
*Musical talent
*The ability to match clothing
*Being under the age of 77
*Not smelling like poo or an entire sack of said poo.
5. No percussion in the band = no cowbell.
6. Though there are plenty of plates and eating utensils, there are no hot spikes available to stab one’s own eardrum out.
7. This evening I saw a person there wearing the following ensemble…picture this:
She was at least 6’5″, goin’ about 368. Her hair was in pig tails, and the color could best be described as jet black (at least the hair growing directly from her scalp, and the first inch of hair out of the scalp) and the rest of her foot long hair was as yellow as the sun.Nice. Her shirt was white, actually it was more like the top half of a wedding dress because it was made of chiffon or some other (I am notgirly so I don’t know) fabric and was adorned with sequins all over.The bottom of her outfit was a pair of cutoff black faded sweat pants.I guess you could say her outfit could leave you guessing, “Is she going to prom?? Or is she going to a BBQ??” Nope. She’s going to Cici’s Pizza for bluegrass night.
8. They ran out of cheese pizza like every 3 minutes. Hello! I guess they don’t realize bluegrass fans are also cheese pizza fans!!
9. No beer at Cici’s.
10. Prom BBQ girl was the best lookin’ chick in the joint, and she was with the band.


Random and Pointless – The Beginning

* Just watched X-Men Origins: Wolverine…spoiler alert if you haven’t seen it don’t keep reading. I have seen this movie a couple of time sand it’s sick, I love X-Men flicks fo sho even though I am not usually what you would call a sci-fi fan. Gonna throw this out there… If my sister was made of diamonds I would have chopped off her arm and pawned that shit a long time ago, but that’s just me.

*Someone I used to know very well is a criminal married to another criminal. If you know me AT ALL you know exactly who I am talking about, and if you are curious I am happy to share if you ask. Trust me,I am creative but even I can’t make this kinda shit up. The entire story is a good’n to put it mildly, I am talkin’ mini-series HBO or Skinemax quality stuff. I forgot where I was going with this. LOL.

*When I am in the car with the hubbs and the nerds, we play a game called BINGO. Basically, every time we see a yellow car, someone calls out BINGO! Yellow trucks are BANGO, yellow buses are BONGO, yellow jeeps are JINGO and huge ass yellow semi trucks are BAAAANGO. This game is so annoying/addicting and it causes so many fights in the car, but we play it like champs every single time we leave the driveway. I challenge you to drive around tomorrow and not yell BINGO when you see a yellow car now. Ha. You’re welcome.

*My oldest daughter continuously comes home with behavior notes from school saying she talks too much. Wonder where she gets that from?

*So I have like 10 more pounds to lose from having Kennedy, and she will be one in 6 weeks, I am hell bent on getting rid of it by then. I am checking out Weight Watchers, but as it turns out they expect you to exercise and I can’t eat tasty food. What kinda bullshit plan is THAT?

I guess that’s it for now. I just ate my weight in cheeseburger/friesand all my blood is in my tummy. I am gonna go have a low-cal dessert. LOL!