In your FACE.


This conversation took place in my kitchen on Sunday, May 29th.

Setting: We are having a fish fry at our house, we have a total of 7 adults and 6 kids. I am preparing macaroni & cheese with my adorable 5-year old nephew. He is helping me because he likes macaroni & cheese, and his mom lets him help out at home. At first, he is curious about how our stove works; his mom has one of those fancy flat-surface stove tops, we have a gas cook top. We discussed the workings of the gas stove and how it won’t make him explode. Once we got that part out of the way, we were able to work as a team to complete the preparation of the macaroni & cheese.

As the water began to boil, he said he knew it was time to put the noodles in, (that’s when his mom puts the noodles in at home.) So I poured one box of noodles in, then he poured the second box in (after I reassured him that the flames under the boiling pot of water would not burn him).

He watched closely as I stirred the noodles, he told me his mom stirs the noodles too. Then we talked about how the noodles got bigger in the water and when it was time to pour the water out of the pan I had to scoot his step-stool out of the way so I could pour the contents of the pan into the strainer in the sink. I put the pan back on the stove and I was pouring the noodles from the strainer back into the pan and a few of the noodles missed the pan and hit the stove top. This is how the conversation went:

Cole: “Hey, you made a mess on the stove!”

Me: “I know, it’s kind of hard to get all of the noodles out of the strainer into the pan when it’s hot.”

Cole: “It’s not hard for my mom to do it.”

Me: “Well, your mom is clearly better at this than I am.”

Cole: “I know.”

My sister-in-law Candi was in the kitchen with us and we were laughing about his remark. It was time to add the butter and milk to the macaroni. I put in a spoonful of butter.

Cole: “My mom doesn’t put butter in the macaroni & cheese.”

Candi: “Yes I do Cole.”

Cole: “Oh.”

Me: “Now it’s time to add the milk.”

Cole: “My mom puts milk in the macaroni & cheese”

Candi: “Yeah, but I use 2% milk.”

Me: “I use whole milk because I love my kids more than your mom loves you.”

Then he looked at me with this sad little face, his big blue eyes nearly welled up with tears. Ha Ha! In your FACE! Tryin’ to come up in MY kitchen to tell ME how YOUR mom makes macaroni & cheese…I showed HIM! Word.




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chit – chat


Sometimes I come up with some good advice for people I see on TV, or for people whose conversations I overhear when I am being nosy. I can’t always put my two cents in, so I am going to list a few of the things I missed the opportunity to say when it was relevant.

  • If you are a stripper, something went horribly wrong somewhere along the line.
  • I don’t care how comfy crocs are, you still look like an idiot.
  • Driving a car really fast does require a certain level of skill, but it isn’t a sport.
  • Even though you have been to jail multiple times, you are not authorized to give legal advice.
  • Buying a monster truck doesn’t make you physically taller. Same goes for sports cars in relation to wiener size.
  • If you have sex on the first date, he will only call you again if he’s horny.
  • Don’t marry an asshole, it doesn’t fix it.
  • Yes, you should get that rash checked out, and while you are there, you might wanna mention you have chronic halitosis.
  • Your kid is a whiny, disrespectful asshole who doesn’t listen to you because you are a lazy ass parent, do your kid a favor and whoop his ass every now and again. You are a leader, your child is following you.
  • When you feed your dog table scraps, you can’t be mad at her when she begs for food or has noxious gas and wants to be let out at 2:30am.
  • You have bad credit because you don’t pay your bills on time, so quit blaming everyone else.
  • Don’t get involved in your kid’s 8-year-old playground drama.
  • If you find a diet plan that says you can lose weight by never getting off your couch, that is a scam. Think about it, that’s how you became a fatass.
  • If you are white and you have all black friends, you are still white.
  • Every volatile situation has an insane asshole and a person who can control their shit. Strive to be the calm one.
  • If a person gossips TO you, they also gossip ABOUT you.
  • Every pediatrician says something different, yours isn’t the best. Mine is.
  • Instead of asking God to forgive you for screwing someone over, try asking the person you screwed over for forgiveness instead. Doing it the other way is bullshit.
  • You have to kiss toads to find princes.
  • Don’t whine about the weather, you can’t change it.
  • Just using mouthwash isn’t enough. Go brush your teeth.
  • If your boyfriend slapped you once, he will punch you next time. You deserve it if you didn’t break up after the slap.
  • Dogs are dogs, cats are cats, people are people. I don’t care how much you love your pet, when you have a kid you will kick that dog in the head if it hurts your child, and having a pet is having a companion, having a child isn’t the same. At all.
  • You aren’t cool because you popped your collar. You are still a tool.
  • Teach your kids to chew with their mouths closed before kindergarten. It’s called table manners. Nobody likes a mouth breather.
  • If you are honest, everything in your life will fall into place.
  • Wearing tighter clothes does NOT make you look thinner. Be honest with yourself when you look in the mirror, if it looks like the buttons on any article of clothing you are wearing are working O.T. then you don’t wear that size any more.
  • Getting fake boobs is the best idea. EVER.
  • Decorating and accessorizing are not gifts all women have. You don’t need to wear a ring on every finger unless you are entering a Mr. T look-alike contest.
  • WTF is ’emo’ all about? Go wash your face you pussy.
  • People treat you exactly how you let them treat you. If someone is treating you badly, speak up. Nobody has your back but you.
  • Bulimia is a stupid eating disorder. You eat, then you puke, you eat then you puke, you eat then you puke. Anorexia is where it’s at. You don’t eat, then you don’t puke. Ta Da! Cut out the middle man. Streamline that shit. Save all that food money for truck stop speed. You’re welcome.

Thank you and goodnight.



Meds.


I got a tetanus/pertussis shot in the arm today. It hurts like a mother bitcher. I guess going on a field trip with 60 fourth graders to Missouri’s First Capitol wasn’t exciting enough, so I needed to go have a nurse jab a needle into my arm bone deep. Actually, I needed to go to the doctor for a checkup because I take a medication that requires them to see me in person every 6 months or so…no it’s not valtrex or a psychotropic. I have ADHD. I do still find it to be embarrassing to talk about it, but it is what it is and I am working it out.

I discovered I had ADHD after I discovered my son had it. I have watched my son struggle through schoolwork and homework for years. Watching him struggle has brought back my own horrible childhood memories of sitting at the dining room table after school trying to focus on my OWN schoolwork when I was a kid. I vividly remember wishing I had a white hot poker to stick through my skull because it seemed to me THAT would feel better than sitting still trying to focus on doing long division. When I was in 4th grade, I didn’t do my homework, and back in 1984 it was legal for my school principal to administer corporal punishment for that offense. Crazy huh? I was all of 45 pounds then, the size of your average kindergartner, unable to focus on completing assignments, and my school principal was authorized to hit me on the ass with a wooden paddle for it. WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!!! Talk about embarrassment. I was the only girl I knew who ever got swats. I was a gifted child, but everyone told me I was lazy and never “lived up to my potential.” All along I could have been doing so much more…

Thankfully, nowadays they harness all the energy of cocaine and put it into a small capsule and it virtually cures ADHD. Funny thing is; when you have ADHD, you don’t react the same to ‘speed’ as you do if you are “normal.” For instance, if you don’t have ADHD and you take one of my pills, you will be balls to the wall RAILING like a crack head all day. But this medicine actually lowers my heart rate. Before I started taking this medicine I could best be described at work as a “clock watcher.” Now that I take the daily medicine I get pissed off when 5:00 rolls around because I want to stay at my desk and get shit done. A lot of adults suffer from ADHD and go untreated, but I strongly urge everyone I know who feels like they may have it to go online to any search engine and type in “I think I have ADHD” and take any quiz you come across. Who knows? Maybe you can save yourself from constant frustration like I have.

I have wanted to be a writer my entire life. Now that I have meds for ADHD, I am finally starting to write. I am not necessarily saying I want to be an inspiration to anyone, but if I am able to help anyone at all, then that person will owe me BIG TIME and I can hold that over their head forever and ever. And that is how I roll.

PS I started this blog to talk about how much of a vajayjay I am because my arm is hurting very badly, but I ended up on a completely separate issue. What more proof do you need that I have ADHD and am completely out of meds?