First of all, I do NOT have time to write this, so if it’s sloppy and hard for you to read, sorry…I will come back to edit later. I had to sit down and say a few things.

1.) I swear I could hire a team (not really, can’t afford it…just go with me on this one) to clean my house around the clock, but due to the fact that we are the proud owners (owners??) of a 2.5 year old…our house would STILL be dirty because she is in fact a human tornado. You know on that movie ‘The Sixth Sense’ when Toni Colette walks out of the kitchen where her son is, then she comes back like 3 seconds later and ALL THE FREAKIN CABINET DOORS ARE OPEN??? Yeah, that’s what it’s like at our house, but instead of cabinets open, it’s toys!! I swear her toys are breeding somewhere because there is NO WAY we ever purchased all of the toys I am constantly finding lying about this place!

2.) If the cleaning solution you are about to purchase over the counter (meaning you did not develop it in a lab somewhere or purchase it from a chemist who sold it to you on a top secret black market) and the label says scrub free…IT’S BULLSHIT. Nothing is scub free. You ALWAYS have to do at least SOME scrubbing. Usually a LOT of scrubbing.

3.) I have been trying to leave this house since 10:00 am CST to go to the grocery store to purchase milk and a few other items, yet somehow I have managed to find a zillion things to clean/pick up/scrub/fold-refold/wash/dry/julienne and I still feel like I haven’t done anything productive.

and finally…

D.) Thanks for reading this. The washer just beeped, the kid needs me to open a candy cane for her (not even sure how/where she got her hands on THAT since it’s almost JULY) but I am going to let her eat it in the hopes it will be just tainted enough to make her take a nap. Is that bad??

Love you mean it. Keep reading, tell a friend.

Funny chicks.

Recently when I was watching ‘The Heartbreak Kid’ I heard something very profound that really made me think…Ben Stiller’s dad Jerry is in the movie, playing Ben Stiller’s Dad. He is talking about funny women when he says “Funny’s a male gene, you idiot. Haven’t you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she’s a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O’Donnell..”

And I started to think about it…and that statement is painfully true! Holy schneikies he’s onto something there. Don’t get me wrong there are a few funny chicks that aren’t mannish…but they have a huge gay male following, like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig and Kathy Griffin…well Kathy is slightly less mannish with her bolt-ons. What can I do to butch it up a notch or round up a gaggle of gays that will follow me?? I mean, I have been told by two or three-ish peeps that I do tickle a funny bone, but I don’t find myself to be mannish, and I do have some gay friends but not enough to fill my living room, let alone Madison Square Garden.

It’s hard to parlay this “funny” thing into a career with two strikes against me right from the giddyup. Maybe Tina Fey will read my shit one day and she will be all like “Wow! She is a talented writer who, like me, can create chin acne under pressure and also make me laugh!! I want to be her boss!” I just read ‘Bossypants’ by T-Fey (that’s what I call her, she is my hero and shit) we go waaahaaay back to like a week ago when I bought her book off Amazon. I followed her through her career on SNL (my childhood dream job) and now on 30 Rock. She is a brilliant writer and I aspire to be just like her someday, well not JUST like her. I am far too lazy to achieve 1/87th of her greatness, plus there’s no way I could possibly dream of pulling off acid wash jeans the way she can. That bitch has skillz.

Gnight peeps.

Berry Ball

If she were left to her own devices, every waking moment of her life, my 2 year old daughter would do nothing but watch “The Adventures of Strawberry Shortcake” sing-along DVD. So guess what? My family is lucky enough to hear all the songs sung in that annoying high-pitched whiny voice of Ms. Strawberry Shortcake all the live-long day at our house. In fact, the kiddo will walk away from the TV and be playing in another room, so we turn the DVD off and she will come SPRINTING into the room and insist we start the DVD back up again. By insist, I mean that she will scream her freaking head off and annoy the living shit out of us until we play it again. Yes, she wins. That’s how she rolls.

One of my favorite hits on the DVD is ‘Berry Ball’. It’s a little ditty about a fun game you can play called BERRY BALL!!! WOO HOO!! James and I sing along with the song, but we switch up the lyrics…”Hairy balls Hairy balls…ev’ryone loves Hairy balls! Play some hairy balls with me!” Is it immature? Yep. But we do what we can to get through the hours on end of Strawberry Shortcake and her annoying little berry scented friends.

Dream House

My 2 year old has a Barbie Dream House, she doesn’t really play with it all that much yet, but she has another little dollhouse that has a Mommy, Daddy and a Baby in it. When she plays with it, she does little voices for the dolls and plays make believe with it. When I ask her what she is doing she tells me she is playing “Mommy Daddy” and I think it’s precious.

It makes me think about all the differences between my life and hers. My version of the Mommy Daddy game at the age of two would have been improvised in an empty 12-pack of Stag with generic little dolls or potatoes or somesuch, and the Daddy would have yelled “PARK IT!” from the couch if I made too much noise with the roller skate (aka Barbie Corvette).

When I got older and started playing with Barbies I didn’t have a Barbie Dream House. I just had a bunch of Barbies and a bunch of hand-me-down Barbie furniture. I never had a Ken doll, so my Barbies just sat around having homeless Barbie lesbian sex all day. Of course that is when they weren’t too busy toking up on the DIY Barbie Hooka made from an empty shotgun casing and a little straw. Hey, when you’re poor you make do.