Day 5


If you only want to read me when I am funny you are kinda screwed today.  My sweet mother-in-law is fighting for her life.  Cancer sucks.  I have only seen in movies what it’s like to have a person tell their family they have terminal cancer and have only been given a short time to live.  Today that was her reality.  She had to tell her family this may be her last holiday season.  I tried to imagine how that must have felt for her, and how it must feel to put on her brave face and go fight this cancer for us.  She does it because she loves her children and grandchildren.  She endures the poison they inject in her.  She has endured multiple surgeries, constant pain, many infections, hospital stays, sicknesses, fatigue, fear, and pain…for us.  I love her to the moon and back and I am so lucky to have her in my life.  So today I am not funny.  Today I am selfishly wishing she was well and not sick because I am nowhere near done loving her.

 



Growing up…


Written January 22, 2010:

From the moment we made you in love to your birth we have loved you.  We watched you grow before we even knew you.  We wanted to meet you so badly, then there you were.  All 6 pounds of you.  With bright blue eyes that would change to brown, tiny little fingers and the slightest wisps of hair…there you were.

I have enjoyed watching you grow.  I wonder so many things about who you will be.  Will you be funny?  Will you be kind, and can I teach you everything in time?  Can I show you that the best part of being a human is to help others who need, even when you can’t afford to help or you feel so tired…you can always give.

Will you grow up and be an artist?  Will you be able to sing?  Will you reach others with your messages?  I think of all the wonderful things you do to make me smile, thank you for sorting the pantry and dragging out all the fruit cups. Thank you for handing me the bags of microwave popcorn one at a time…thank you for the smiles with your one tooth.

I hold you in my arms to soothe your aching belly and rock with you until you fall fast asleep in my arms and all the while I am wondering if you will ever know how my eyes well up with tears because I am so thrilled that you let me hold you while you are sleeping.  I look at your rosy little cheeks, your puckered little lips, and kiss you on your forehead. I will not worry one more second tonight about who you will be.  Because for right now, you are mine.

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It’s hard to believe that precious little baby I was holding that night is turning 4 in just over 2 weeks.  Parenting is so bittersweet.  I can’t begin to explain the constant joy and heartache I feel as a mom.  I love them all so much it hurts.  I find myself wanting to stop them from making mistakes that I have made, but I have to stop myself because I know the best lessons in life are the ones that you learn from your own experience, especially when it’s painful.

All I want to do in this crazy life is be a good mom and wife.  If I get this right, it will echo for generations.  This is all I have thought about lately.  My ‘last’ baby is not a baby anymore.  She wants to do everything “all by herself” and she is growing up so fast!  My first baby is now a teen, and my first baby girl is almost 12.  The time we get with our children is so precious.  I truly try to spend all the time I can with all of my children.  They are all wonderful and unique and so intelligent!  They amaze me every day.  I am so lucky to know them, and even luckier that I am their mom.

One of the best parts about being a mom is recognizing yourself in your children, not just in physical appearance.  In the three of them, I see myself in their personalities and wit.  Just when I think I can’t possibly love them more, I fall in love with them all over again.

High five to all the moms and dads out there for doing your best.  Keep up the good work, and remember…be good to them…they will eventually pick the nursing home you live in.

Love love love…

Padinkydink



Commitment.


I said I would write something every day for a week but I sure as hell didn’t promise it would be entertaining.  I had insomnia last night and I am tired today.  So much for being “AWESOME!!!” like I told everyone else to do.  I am ready to go take a nap.  I am so jealous of my 4-year old.  She gets a 2.5 hour nap in EVERY DAY of her life.  That’s bunk.  I want a nap but turns out when your boss finds you sleeping under your desk it’s considered an office ‘no-no’.  Yeah!  I thought it was unfair too!!

I have GOT to figure out this sleep schedule business though.  I can’t keep staying up watching back episodes of ‘Honey Boo-Boo’ or ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’.  Though last night I did watch ‘Breaking Amish’ instead.  How the hell do I get sucked into these shows??  Another fave of mine is ‘Hoarders’ because it makes my house look like the Taj Mahal.  I hear the whistle blowin’ so I will come back to this later…or not.  Yeah.  Not.  I’m calling this good for today.

Get some rest.

Padinkydink



Spread Cheer


I want to see how many people will try a social experiment tomorrow.  Let’s all try to be aware of the mood we put  out with our words, and in what we say to others through social media postings;  and not bitch (for one day) about things we can’t change.  One of the most obvious things is the weather.  Nothing peeves me more than people who seemingly go out of their way to gripe about nature.  Shit’s sake dude…the weather is out of your control.  You are wasting my time and yours with your senseless drivel about what the sky is doing outside.  You are not accomplishing anything.  Try and find something positive to say or just be quiet.  People don’t want to hear other people gripe about obvious stuff.  It’s not like you are going to get a response like, “Thanks for the heads up about the weather, I don’t have any windows so I was wondering what those thunderous claps of sound and flashes of light were right before my electricity went out.”  It brings people down to hear/read people bitch about stupid stuff.  Why do people do it?  I don’t know, maybe they feel like everyone is sitting around in anticipation of their take on the day so far, and so they hurry out to their social media page to post ANYTHING, even if it is negative.  I suggest finding something positive to say about anything you are posting.  For instance, if it’s raining you could say something like…”I was hoping it would hail today because dimples are cute…especially on the hood of my car.”  See?  That’s a funny way to bitch about the craptastic weather happening to all of us and make someone smile.

 

Most of the time I feel like hammered cat ass.  In fact I can’t remember a day when I truthfully stated, “I feel really good today!”  But you won’t ever hear me say it.  When you ask me how I am I say “Awesome!”  Or “SO GOOD!”  or “Fantastic!”  or “Super!”  or something equally obnoxious.  Even if you know I am full of shit, it makes you smile to hear it.  Try it tomorrow at work.  (I do it at work all the time!)  You will see, I am right.  It will catch people off guard when you say it enthusiastically but they will smile, even if it’s just for a second.  Negativity begets negativity.  Same goes for positivity.  I admit I have been a Debbie Downer many times, I am not saying I am not guilty.  But for the most part I like to make people feel happy, even if it’s just for one second of the day.  Try it.  You will see that a little bit of it goes a long way.

 

My friends and family can attest that I end nearly every phone conversation with “You have a good day and shit.”  You know, because I care and whatnot.

 

This will be fun.  If you have any positive feedback from it, carry it forward and do it for more than just one day.  If anyone asks you why you said it tell them Padinkydink told me to.  Or tell them you are off your meds, then do a cartwheel and go back to your desk.

 

Love  this life.  It’s the only one you get.

<3 Padinkydink

 

 



List of Excuses


Why the sudden burst of bloggery you may ask?  I will tell you in just a moment.  Is bloggery even a word you ask?  Well yes.  I just used it in a sentence so now it’s a word.  The reason for all the blogs is to save my life/sanity.  I have some health issues.  I am not 100% ready to talk about them here, but rest assured they do suck.  As a result of the health issues, from time to time my mind resides in this very dark place.  In this place, the world would be better off without me.  I am worthless in this dark place, not a good mother, wife, friend, colleague…nothing.  I am not good at anything.  I am not happy, I am grumpy, sad, despondent, careless, and feel as though I do not matter.  I don’t live there often and I don’t stay long, but when my mind goes there, I set up camp… and it’s ugly.  I have never publicly let anyone all the way behind the curtain.

 

Now that I think about it, telling you all of these things about ‘the dark place’ is far worse than telling you about my health problems.  So here goes.  I feel ridiculous talking about these issues because there are many people whose health issues are far worse than my own who thrive and don’t have pity parties, but I guess they are wired differently than I am.  That being said, I have Sjögren’s Syndrome secondary to what is likely Lupus.  I say likely because it is very difficult to test positive for Lupus.  I did it once in the year 2002, but not since then have I had a positive ANA (anti-nuclear antibody) test; which is the blood test used to diagnose SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematosis).  What did I do to treat that??  Well, nothing.  That’s not totally true.  I ignored it, and that was my treatment plan.  Turns out when you ignore things, they don’t always cure themselves, it’s crazy I know.  Sjögren’s (pronounced SHOW-GRINS) is an autoimmune disease that causes your body’s immune system to fight itself like it is a sworn enemy.  The primary overt symptoms of Sjögren’s are dry eyes, mouth, and skin.  The symptoms nobody can see are the ones that cause chronic pain.  Not pain like, “gee, my back kinda bothers me today”, more like severe, sometimes debilitating pain that I feel in random parts of my body.  Every day it’s like my body rolls some dice and I don’t know from one moment to the next what will hurt that day.  The only thing I know for sure is that something will hurt…a lot…all day.  I thought about keeping a journal and writing down which parts hurt on which day, but I don’t really want to live that deeply inside of it.  It’s easy to “become” your problem when you dwell upon it.

 

So the Sjögren’s coupled with the ADD (where my mind is like the mind of a crackhead squirrel) is frustrating.  I can’t get a lot done.  I have a variety of medicines that I have to take every day in order to function and not punch everyone in the face.  It isn’t awesome.  Mostly because I can’t take these medications at work.  Why?  Because schedule II narcotics are best saved for when I am not handling millions of other people’s dollars.  They want me to put that money where it’s supposed to go and not make a lot of mistakes with it.  Crazy right??

 

What makes me feel the best when I am in the dark place is writing.  I don’t get paid for this (yet), but the rewards I get from it are immeasurable.  Yet somehow (ADD) I always forget (ADD) that writing will help me climb out of the dark place.  Hey, I have ADD.

 

I am a happy person as a rule.  I care about other people WAY more than I care about myself, and my lot in this life is to make people smile when they would rather be crying.  It’s good to know why you were born and know your purpose.  When I am living in the dark place, I can’t do what I know I am supposed to be doing, and that sucks.  I can’t make other people laugh when I am literally seconds away from crying all the time.  And for anyone who knows me…dude.  I don’t cry.  It’s pointless and weak.  I can’t help other people with their problems (another thing I always try to do) when my whole world feels like it’s crumbling around me.  This dark place gets darker every time I go.  This dark place has started to make me have what is starting to become a crippling hatred/fear of social situations.  That’s not me at all, now is it?  No.  I am the loud boisterous one in the crowd who should be on the stage with a mic in my hand making everyone laugh…but I can’t handle sitting at a lunch table with 3 co-workers.  Sick ain’t it?

 

Putting this ‘out there’ for everyone to see will likely draw the exact attention I hate.  That “Awwww…I had no idea…you poor thing” stuff people do when they are trying to help, which is very nice, however I would rather have people just read it and know a little bit more about me than they knew yesterday and go on about their business.  I just want to get this off my chest and go on about my business.  I am glad you are reading my blog.  I need people to read it or I will stop doing it.  I need people to understand that I don’t stick to it and I take long breaks from it because I am very critical of it, and I go live in the dark for a bit.  But I want to do this, and in order to be successful at anything in this life, the first step is to REALLY want it.  I want to write and ‘take you there’ with me.  Not all of it will be hilarious.  Please stick around for the ride though because sometimes it will be funny.  Maybe I will talk about something that will make you feel ok about something you are struggling with.  Hell maybe you will just read me when you take a dump.  I’m ok with that.

 

Be good to each other and thanks for reading.  Come back tomorrow.  Tell a friend.

Padinkydink