Enlighten Me


Why do I even have this blog?  I will never be a serious writer because I don’t take anything as seriously as I should.  I always seem to let these things build up inside me for eons before I decide to write.  I’ve been through a lot of changes and had many recent epiphanies.  I would like to share all of them with you but since I have the attention span of a gnat on crack I will just type and see what comes out.

 

For one thing, my stepmother passed away.  Actually who decided to say ‘passed away?’  I guess someone was trying to come up with a nicer way of saying “My stepmom is dead.  The evil disease called cancer came into our lives and stole her away from us, and she was only 58.”  I guess ‘passed away’ is a little less jarring than that, but that’s what I feel like saying to people.  I go back and forth between crippling sadness and anger about the whole thing.  Not just her death, I mean cancer.  Not just cancer but life being unfair and working our asses off to never manage to rise above the class we were born into.  Not just that but everything else in this cruel world we share with the evil that is cancer, among the many other faces of evil and cruelty.  I can’t be the only one who is just walking around pissed off.  Am I?  I have never met the goals I set for myself.  I will never be who I was supposed to be.  I am not altogether sure I have whatever it takes to be successful.  I take everything too literally and I can’t seem to communicate effectively.  I seemingly see things in a much different way than everyone else.  I spend each and every waking moment of my life in complete awareness of this.  I think that the people who know me…also know the key to my success but are either too afraid to hurt my feelings, or they have the tact to just let it be, or maybe they know me well enough to know better than to open ANY can of worms with me because I. will. lose. my shit.  I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the many wonderful things I have to be thankful for, but that’s not what this is about.  Let’s stick to the subject for once.  Anger.  I am filled with rage and fueled by hate.  I have good days and bad, but for the most part I have reached a phase in my life where I just can’t sit still, everything pisses me off.

 

Some examples?  These are in no particular order, but they will be listed in bullet-points because OCD.

  • Every single driver on the road who isn’t me.  People who seemingly get into their vehicles and are in NO hurry to get ANYWHERE.  I am always behind these people when I am in a hurry, and suffice it to say that if I am in my vehicle, I am already late for something and I need my own designated lane so I can pass up the texters, slow-movers, teenage asshats, old people who should have to retake the driving test after retirement, etc.

 

  • Anyone who assumes that you need a college degree to be relevant.  I have felt more shame in the fact that I am considered to be uneducated than should ever be felt.  Like seriously, I even know I need to let it go already.  I have worked in the accounting field for 17 years.  You don’t need a college degree to do what I do for a living.  What will it get you?  Respect and more money.  Why can’t I just have respect for being really good at what I do?  Why can’t my performance speak for itself?  I have earned respect from colleagues and peers, but I don’t always get it.  Yes, I am a little rough around the edges, yes I use profanity colorful/descriptive words in every fucking sentence…so what???  Don’t most of you wish you could step outside of that cookie-cutter world you live in and be as ballsy as me?  Just a little?  I am who I am.  I’m like 40 now, so the likelihood of my vernacular ‘changing color’ at this stage in the game is exactly NIL.

 

  • Religion.  Ah crap, I know better but I don’t care.  People who gossip and spread lies under the guise of Christianity make me puke.  I am an atheist.  It took me forever to get the guts to say that out loud and it will probably be bothersome for some of my family members to read it, but I make no apologies.  My daughter said the other day, “You’re just as atheist as I am, I just believe in one less god than you do.”  Brilliant.  She probably saw it on Tumblr but it was still so freaking true.  My son said “Religion is to Athiesm as Sex is to Abstinence.”  He heard that little gem from Bill Maher.  Also true, a common misconception among Christians is that atheists worship the devil or that we have no morals.  Nothing could be more false.  I raise my children with morals, I tell them not to lie, steal, rape, pillage, etc.  They know right from wrong and they learn it at home.  We are civilized human beings who have made the conscious choice to NOT believe in something because it just didn’t make sense.  What kind of parent would I be to tell my kids, ‘Yeah I know it doesn’t make any sense, but your job isn’t to question it, just to believe it.’??  So go ahead and get all judgy and shun me; I’d like to say I don’t care, but I do.  It actually hurts that instead of trying to hear my side of it, people choose to keep those blinders on and assume I am lost.  I am not on the same path you are on, it doesn’t make me lost.  We are going in different directions, and each of us have a separate purpose.  I could quite literally go on for days about this one, but I will leave it for now.

 

  • People who tell me what I need to do.  I have full understanding of what is expected of me in this life, both at work and home.  I am not a fan of bossy people.  Sometimes people don’t even know they are bossy.  Perfect example, writing.  Yes, I know I should ‘carve out’ time to write more.  I have come to the realization that the ship I should have boarded (the one that takes me to my dreams of being paid to write funny stuff) has sailed.  I am actually cool with it.  My life and circumstances aren’t conducive to a writing career, unless someone wants to raise my kids and pay my bills until the writing paychecks come in.  I am very critical of my writing and I don’t like to share it.  Two reasons, the aforementioned criticism as well as piracy.  You can’t be the funny person in the group and not have people shoplift your schtick, trust me.  It’s worse when you write.  My thoughts are mine, I don’t need anyone misquoting me or taking credit for my words, spoken or written.

 

  • People who are self-involved and over-share.  I get it, everyone is self-involved to a degree.  I am guilty of turning the conversation back to relevant similarities to my life.  I try to catch myself doing that and stop it.  It is just how I communicate though, I try to relate to your story by taking myself to the place you are in, and I do this by sharing a story where I was in a similar place.  It even annoys me that I do it.  I’m not talking about that as much as people who take a new selfie each day and post it on social media, or tell everyone each and every facet of their life.  I have like 400 ‘friends’ on facebook.  I don’t tell each and every one of those people about every meal I eat or every time I take a shit, or every time I go to the doctor, or when my aunt is sick, or any other attempt to garner attention.  You should have a close circle of friends, and those are the people you share (privately) your struggles with. Not every single thing about your life is suitable or interesting enough for mass consumption.

 

  • Lists.  This one’s getting long so I’m done with it.

 

  • Wait, one more, last one.  Promise.  Kanye.  That’s it.  I hate that dude.  What an assclown.  Am I right??

 

I think the point of life is to learn as much as you can and be aware of the impact you make.  Plain and simple.  I feel like we should use our precious resource of time as exactly that; a precious resource.  I worry that the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know.  I worry that the closer I become to ‘enlightened'; the closer I am to dying.  The only thing I really care about is making sure my kids have a great life.  I want to be a good mom and a good wife.  I want them to know that they are loved so much and that literally every single thing I endure is so that they can thrive.  Moms are wired differently than dads.  I just thought of this.  The other morning I was watching my husband as he put our 6-year-old daughter’s hair in a ponytail.  I lovingly giggled, it brought a tear to my eye as I was thinking of how grateful I am that he is a wonderful dad and husband.  So I told him just that.  Then he replied with “I try to be.”  Then I almost immediately ruined the whole scene because I thought out loud ‘Nobody EVER tells me I am a good mom.’  I put her hair in a ponytail 90% of the time, I am responsible for 90% of her baths and I do 100% of her fingernail/toenail grooming.  But that’s expected of me.  How is it that the society we live in pours accolades onto dads who do some of what moms do every single day??  He’s a good dad, don’t get me wrong, but why am I praising him up one side and down the other for doing something I do each day that goes completely unnoticed?  See??  Anger.  All the time about every little thing.

 

On that note, thanks for reading and take care of yourself and each other.

I really do want world peace.

Stick