Coolest Mom Ever


If you know me on a personal level, you know I am a bit goofy and somewhat immature for my age.  Here’s the thing; I am pretty sure I was born this way.  Lady Gaga is cool with it.  I thought I was cool with it…but turns out my teenage kids might not be cool with it.  I act a fool all the time, being silly in the car, singing and dancing along with songs, making up lyrics to popular songs, you know, stuff I have done for my entire life.  Turns out my kids are cool with this unless they have friends around, and in that scenario; I am only supposed to be their chauffeur.  You know, the lamesauce dude who wears their standard-issue black suit and lame hat and is paid to (well I guess that dude gets paid, but I don’t) drive the ingrates around and purchase food and beverage for them in silence.

 

In T-2 hours from now, much to the chagrin of my 13-year-old daughter, I will be chaperoning her field trip to the Science Center.  I will be held responsible for my kid plus 3 more kids.  I am certain I will speak aloud during this excursion and definitely mortify my daughter beyond social recognition.  I am contemplating wearing some 90’s getup, like maybe a pair of overalls with one side unfastened, a sideways neon hat that says ‘Word to Yo Momma’ and some neon Chuck T’s.  Of course I will also pack her a nutritious lunch of PB&J (I almost spelled out peanut butter and jelly, but it’s cooler if I abbreviate I think) and some whole milk with a CRAAAAZY STRAAAW!!!  What What!!!  But since I am sooo cool I will also bring along a mix tape of some def, funky fresh tunes featuring the vocal stylings of Ratt, Twisted Sister, and probably the ever-so-popular Will Mother Fkn Smith!!!  Of course I will be blasting all of this from my heavy ass (on the shoulder) boom box!!!  Yeah Yeah.  I think I might also paint my eyelids to look like they are actual eyeballs so that in case the (lame) Science Center (lame) exhibits are LAMESAUCE, I can fall asleep and the teacher’s won’t notice!!  Ha Ha!!  Yeah!!  And I will make sure to have all 4 of the girls I’m charged with (Madi and her 3 close friends) high (and LOW) five me ALL DAY LONG!  Today is going to be the BEST. FIELD. TRIP. EVER!!!!!

 

Seriously though I will probably wear jeans and something beige so that Madi won’t even notice me.  That way she won’t be so mortified that I am there.  When do they turn into such dicks?  My kids used to find my chicanery and tomfoolery to be quite entertaining and fun, but then these crazy kids turned into complete asshats and now all of a sudden I am such an embarrassment, but I am NOT too embarrassing to entertain every whim they might have or to drive them to the mall or Starbucks or buy them junk food and a shit ton of expensive clothes and shoes.  In the moments when we are headed to the cash register I am still the best mom ever.  I guess this is one of those Darius Rucker song things…you know, ‘It Won’t be Like This for Long’…maybe?

 

Well, seems like it’s about time for me to go shower up and get my ecru personality and outfit together for the field trip today.  Have a bland day everyone!

Peace out Homies,

Word up.


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