chit – chat


Sometimes I come up with some good advice for people I see on TV, or for people whose conversations I overhear when I am being nosy. I can’t always put my two cents in, so I am going to list a few of the things I missed the opportunity to say when it was relevant.

  • If you are a stripper, something went horribly wrong somewhere along the line.
  • I don’t care how comfy crocs are, you still look like an idiot.
  • Driving a car really fast does require a certain level of skill, but it isn’t a sport.
  • Even though you have been to jail multiple times, you are not authorized to give legal advice.
  • Buying a monster truck doesn’t make you physically taller. Same goes for sports cars in relation to wiener size.
  • If you have sex on the first date, he will only call you again if he’s horny.
  • Don’t marry an asshole, it doesn’t fix it.
  • Yes, you should get that rash checked out, and while you are there, you might wanna mention you have chronic halitosis.
  • Your kid is a whiny, disrespectful asshole who doesn’t listen to you because you are a lazy ass parent, do your kid a favor and whoop his ass every now and again. You are a leader, your child is following you.
  • When you feed your dog table scraps, you can’t be mad at her when she begs for food or has noxious gas and wants to be let out at 2:30am.
  • You have bad credit because you don’t pay your bills on time, so quit blaming everyone else.
  • Don’t get involved in your kid’s 8-year-old playground drama.
  • If you find a diet plan that says you can lose weight by never getting off your couch, that is a scam. Think about it, that’s how you became a fatass.
  • If you are white and you have all black friends, you are still white.
  • Every volatile situation has an insane asshole and a person who can control their shit. Strive to be the calm one.
  • If a person gossips TO you, they also gossip ABOUT you.
  • Every pediatrician says something different, yours isn’t the best. Mine is.
  • Instead of asking God to forgive you for screwing someone over, try asking the person you screwed over for forgiveness instead. Doing it the other way is bullshit.
  • You have to kiss toads to find princes.
  • Don’t whine about the weather, you can’t change it.
  • Just using mouthwash isn’t enough. Go brush your teeth.
  • If your boyfriend slapped you once, he will punch you next time. You deserve it if you didn’t break up after the slap.
  • Dogs are dogs, cats are cats, people are people. I don’t care how much you love your pet, when you have a kid you will kick that dog in the head if it hurts your child, and having a pet is having a companion, having a child isn’t the same. At all.
  • You aren’t cool because you popped your collar. You are still a tool.
  • Teach your kids to chew with their mouths closed before kindergarten. It’s called table manners. Nobody likes a mouth breather.
  • If you are honest, everything in your life will fall into place.
  • Wearing tighter clothes does NOT make you look thinner. Be honest with yourself when you look in the mirror, if it looks like the buttons on any article of clothing you are wearing are working O.T. then you don’t wear that size any more.
  • Getting fake boobs is the best idea. EVER.
  • Decorating and accessorizing are not gifts all women have. You don’t need to wear a ring on every finger unless you are entering a Mr. T look-alike contest.
  • WTF is ’emo’ all about? Go wash your face you pussy.
  • People treat you exactly how you let them treat you. If someone is treating you badly, speak up. Nobody has your back but you.
  • Bulimia is a stupid eating disorder. You eat, then you puke, you eat then you puke, you eat then you puke. Anorexia is where it’s at. You don’t eat, then you don’t puke. Ta Da! Cut out the middle man. Streamline that shit. Save all that food money for truck stop speed. You’re welcome.

Thank you and goodnight.