Don’t Judge Me.


As I have previously stated (and shown) I am immature for my age.  I am accepting of that.  I am who I am and I can’t help it any more than you can help being a stick in the mud.  I take care of my responsibilities, all my bills are paid, and as a result of that I feel I am entitled to do a few things other adults don’t necessarily do.  Case in point – my vocabulary.  I think we can all agree that it is “colorful” can we not?  Great.  So I finally upgraded my old cell phone and in the process of doing so  I discovered a plethora of words that my phone had learned from my frequent usage.

 

In any case, instead of being down in the dumps I thought I would share a few of the words and definitions from my colorful vocabulary and see if I can get any of them to catch on.  This might be a multi-part blog because my vocabulary is astronomical and you will be dazzled beyond measure.  Actually I can’t take credit for every single one of these gems, but I will give props where props are due.  I don’t need to shoplift anyone’s personality.  Mine is good enough for me.  So here we go in the exact order they appear in my personal dictionary:  I listed definitions for some, then when I realized how long the list was I got lazy.  Typical me.

 

First of all, here are all the things I have hashtagged:

#beingapeonsucks

#cameltoe

#everybodywangchungtonight

#firstworldproblems

#ifitwasuptome

#ihatedouchebags

#imalittlebitch

#paranoidschizophrenia

#workinfortheman

Here are all the words my phone had to learn:

A-Dub – my friend Aaron

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH – because damn.

Abby – my long lost almost sister

adderall – prescription cocaine

Aight – everything’s gonna be aight.

AMA (against medical advice)

applebees – my daughter’s first 3 syllable word

artsy – and fartsy

assclown – because sometimes people are assclowns.

asscrotch – sometimes these itch.

asshole – some people are.

atleast – because I am a non-spelling FUCK

autocorrect  – see above

babysit – because I need people to do this for me

badass – yes.  some stuff is badass.

BALLS! – I have stopped yelling the F word and yell this now instead.

BAMF – because I am.

bastard – I am being serious, why did my phone not know this one?

baybuh – what I call my hubby

bbq – yum

beaters – shirts.

bestie – because sometimes I am 12

besties – and so are my bitches

betch – another way to say bitch

BFF – and sometimes I am 11.

bidness – aint none of yours

biggie – smallz.  RIP

bigtime – instead of not important, some shit is bigtime.

biotch – nice way to say bitch

birfday – your born on date

bish – bitch

bishes – my friends

Bitch – duh

bitched – duh again

bitcher – my driveway is a mother bitcher

bitches – so, yeah.

bitchin – I have every form of this one.

Bitching – when I am fancy I leave the “G” on. Pinkies up!

boxlock – female version of cockblock

brudder – see also bubby

bruiser – little fat kid

bubbleguts – aftermath of KFC

bubby – Luke

carjack – steal car

carnies – freaks who work at the carnival

cock –

cockblock

cockdicker – made this one up all on my own.  It’s gonna take off.

cocksucker

cocksuckin

coo-coo-kachoo

crap

CRAP

craptastic

cuntsack – I don’t even remember this one.  Musta been pissed.

daggone

dang

dawg

def

diarrheal – of or partaining to diarrhea

dick-holster – your mouth

dickhoe

dickhole

didja

dix

Dokken

doodyhead

drinkytreats

dumbass

dumpstain

errrbody

extry

fambam

fk – when I am too lazy to type out my favorite word.

fkn

fkr

FML

freaky

freakynaughty

fuck

fuckass

fucked

fuckers

fuckery

fuckin

fucknuts

fuckstain

fucktacular

fucktards

fucktastic

giddyup

goodn

gurfren – girlfriend

hafta

handey

handjob

heartcha

holla

holler

hooch

hooker

interweb – the dang internet

jank

jankety

jellydong

keepitmovin

lemme

loveyoumeanit

lurnt – what you dun in school

mainlining – what you dun after school

manmolester – every time I have to give directions that include the city of Manchester, I say Manchester the Manmolester.

McCheese – what you eat at McD

McShits – aftermath of McCheese

motherfucker

muh – my

musta – must have

pissin

poopsammich – what I say when i am mad sometimes when I can’t say fuck.

poopsnack – see above

poopy

poot

prolly

puke

rastlin – WWF

re-gurge

Rokken

SACK! – see also BALLS!

seahag

shat – past tense of shit

shitfuck

shitsnacks

shitstain

shitter

shittin

shitty

skillz

smartass

sneezlebeak

somesuch

stank

stephooker

suckabagodicks

superfun

thundergut

tits

twats

vaginadouche

vagtastic

witchoo

zeppelin

So long old phone.  You were cool and you had a broad vocab thanks to me.  I am sorry for you that you apparently had a 13 year old boy as your owner.  I have a potty mouth.

 

I am not a teacher for many reasons.  Top o’ the list would be my lack of self-restraint in the vocabulary department.  I am not bragging, I am who I am.  I know there’s a time and a place, usually that time is when I am mad and that place is via text message because that’s how I roll joints.  ( decided that saying that’s how I roll is old so I added the word joints.  It’s in it’s beta-test phase.)

 

Peace

Les