Coolest Mom Ever


If you know me on a personal level, you know I am a bit goofy and somewhat immature for my age.  Here’s the thing; I am pretty sure I was born this way.  Lady Gaga is cool with it.  I thought I was cool with it…but turns out my teenage kids might not be cool with it.  I act a fool all the time, being silly in the car, singing and dancing along with songs, making up lyrics to popular songs, you know, stuff I have done for my entire life.  Turns out my kids are cool with this unless they have friends around, and in that scenario; I am only supposed to be their chauffeur.  You know, the lamesauce dude who wears their standard-issue black suit and lame hat and is paid to (well I guess that dude gets paid, but I don’t) drive the ingrates around and purchase food and beverage for them in silence.

 

In T-2 hours from now, much to the chagrin of my 13-year-old daughter, I will be chaperoning her field trip to the Science Center.  I will be held responsible for my kid plus 3 more kids.  I am certain I will speak aloud during this excursion and definitely mortify my daughter beyond social recognition.  I am contemplating wearing some 90’s getup, like maybe a pair of overalls with one side unfastened, a sideways neon hat that says ‘Word to Yo Momma’ and some neon Chuck T’s.  Of course I will also pack her a nutritious lunch of PB&J (I almost spelled out peanut butter and jelly, but it’s cooler if I abbreviate I think) and some whole milk with a CRAAAAZY STRAAAW!!!  What What!!!  But since I am sooo cool I will also bring along a mix tape of some def, funky fresh tunes featuring the vocal stylings of Ratt, Twisted Sister, and probably the ever-so-popular Will Mother Fkn Smith!!!  Of course I will be blasting all of this from my heavy ass (on the shoulder) boom box!!!  Yeah Yeah.  I think I might also paint my eyelids to look like they are actual eyeballs so that in case the (lame) Science Center (lame) exhibits are LAMESAUCE, I can fall asleep and the teacher’s won’t notice!!  Ha Ha!!  Yeah!!  And I will make sure to have all 4 of the girls I’m charged with (Madi and her 3 close friends) high (and LOW) five me ALL DAY LONG!  Today is going to be the BEST. FIELD. TRIP. EVER!!!!!

 

Seriously though I will probably wear jeans and something beige so that Madi won’t even notice me.  That way she won’t be so mortified that I am there.  When do they turn into such dicks?  My kids used to find my chicanery and tomfoolery to be quite entertaining and fun, but then these crazy kids turned into complete asshats and now all of a sudden I am such an embarrassment, but I am NOT too embarrassing to entertain every whim they might have or to drive them to the mall or Starbucks or buy them junk food and a shit ton of expensive clothes and shoes.  In the moments when we are headed to the cash register I am still the best mom ever.  I guess this is one of those Darius Rucker song things…you know, ‘It Won’t be Like This for Long’…maybe?

 

Well, seems like it’s about time for me to go shower up and get my ecru personality and outfit together for the field trip today.  Have a bland day everyone!

Peace out Homies,

Word up.



Don’t Judge Me.


As I have previously stated (and shown) I am immature for my age.  I am accepting of that.  I am who I am and I can’t help it any more than you can help being a stick in the mud.  I take care of my responsibilities, all my bills are paid, and as a result of that I feel I am entitled to do a few things other adults don’t necessarily do.  Case in point – my vocabulary.  I think we can all agree that it is “colorful” can we not?  Great.  So I finally upgraded my old cell phone and in the process of doing so  I discovered a plethora of words that my phone had learned from my frequent usage.

 

In any case, instead of being down in the dumps I thought I would share a few of the words and definitions from my colorful vocabulary and see if I can get any of them to catch on.  This might be a multi-part blog because my vocabulary is astronomical and you will be dazzled beyond measure.  Actually I can’t take credit for every single one of these gems, but I will give props where props are due.  I don’t need to shoplift anyone’s personality.  Mine is good enough for me.  So here we go in the exact order they appear in my personal dictionary:  I listed definitions for some, then when I realized how long the list was I got lazy.  Typical me.

 

First of all, here are all the things I have hashtagged:

#beingapeonsucks

#cameltoe

#everybodywangchungtonight

#firstworldproblems

#ifitwasuptome

#ihatedouchebags

#imalittlebitch

#paranoidschizophrenia

#workinfortheman

Here are all the words my phone had to learn:

A-Dub – my friend Aaron

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH – because damn.

Abby – my long lost almost sister

adderall – prescription cocaine

Aight – everything’s gonna be aight.

AMA (against medical advice)

applebees – my daughter’s first 3 syllable word

artsy – and fartsy

assclown – because sometimes people are assclowns.

asscrotch – sometimes these itch.

asshole – some people are.

atleast – because I am a non-spelling FUCK

autocorrect  – see above

babysit – because I need people to do this for me

badass – yes.  some stuff is badass.

BALLS! – I have stopped yelling the F word and yell this now instead.

BAMF – because I am.

bastard – I am being serious, why did my phone not know this one?

baybuh – what I call my hubby

bbq – yum

beaters – shirts.

bestie – because sometimes I am 12

besties – and so are my bitches

betch – another way to say bitch

BFF – and sometimes I am 11.

bidness – aint none of yours

biggie – smallz.  RIP

bigtime – instead of not important, some shit is bigtime.

biotch – nice way to say bitch

birfday – your born on date

bish – bitch

bishes – my friends

Bitch – duh

bitched – duh again

bitcher – my driveway is a mother bitcher

bitches – so, yeah.

bitchin – I have every form of this one.

Bitching – when I am fancy I leave the “G” on. Pinkies up!

boxlock – female version of cockblock

brudder – see also bubby

bruiser – little fat kid

bubbleguts – aftermath of KFC

bubby – Luke

carjack – steal car

carnies – freaks who work at the carnival

cock –

cockblock

cockdicker – made this one up all on my own.  It’s gonna take off.

cocksucker

cocksuckin

coo-coo-kachoo

crap

CRAP

craptastic

cuntsack – I don’t even remember this one.  Musta been pissed.

daggone

dang

dawg

def

diarrheal – of or partaining to diarrhea

dick-holster – your mouth

dickhoe

dickhole

didja

dix

Dokken

doodyhead

drinkytreats

dumbass

dumpstain

errrbody

extry

fambam

fk – when I am too lazy to type out my favorite word.

fkn

fkr

FML

freaky

freakynaughty

fuck

fuckass

fucked

fuckers

fuckery

fuckin

fucknuts

fuckstain

fucktacular

fucktards

fucktastic

giddyup

goodn

gurfren – girlfriend

hafta

handey

handjob

heartcha

holla

holler

hooch

hooker

interweb – the dang internet

jank

jankety

jellydong

keepitmovin

lemme

loveyoumeanit

lurnt – what you dun in school

mainlining – what you dun after school

manmolester – every time I have to give directions that include the city of Manchester, I say Manchester the Manmolester.

McCheese – what you eat at McD

McShits – aftermath of McCheese

motherfucker

muh – my

musta – must have

pissin

poopsammich – what I say when i am mad sometimes when I can’t say fuck.

poopsnack – see above

poopy

poot

prolly

puke

rastlin – WWF

re-gurge

Rokken

SACK! – see also BALLS!

seahag

shat – past tense of shit

shitfuck

shitsnacks

shitstain

shitter

shittin

shitty

skillz

smartass

sneezlebeak

somesuch

stank

stephooker

suckabagodicks

superfun

thundergut

tits

twats

vaginadouche

vagtastic

witchoo

zeppelin

So long old phone.  You were cool and you had a broad vocab thanks to me.  I am sorry for you that you apparently had a 13 year old boy as your owner.  I have a potty mouth.

 

I am not a teacher for many reasons.  Top o’ the list would be my lack of self-restraint in the vocabulary department.  I am not bragging, I am who I am.  I know there’s a time and a place, usually that time is when I am mad and that place is via text message because that’s how I roll joints.  ( decided that saying that’s how I roll is old so I added the word joints.  It’s in it’s beta-test phase.)

 

Peace

Les

 

 

 

 



Balance


It’s August again. It’s looking like the end of summer (though my husband is trying in desperate futility to fight it) the sun is going down a bit earlier, the days are steadily getting cooler, and it’s time to start thinking about wearing a jacket in the evening. Before we know it, the leaves will change again and a winter will be upon us. After that, a fresh new spring and then it will be summer again. It all works out, the end of one sparks the beginning of the next and so on…

(Gee thanks for the science lesson on the seasons Captain Obvious)

The end of seasons are bittersweet. I enjoy the transition of fall, but I can’t help but feel a looming sadness for the end of another summer because it means my children are growing up. If you are a parent you must understand that there is a delicate balance to raising children. I believe if you are raising your children correctly, your goal is to have them eventually be independent, yet still need you…but not too much. I try to mix the motherly advice with chicanery and tomfoolery just to keep things even. I have three brilliant children who are all growing up too quickly, it’s a lot like the end of summer and beginning of fall. I am trying to fight it, but they are staying up a bit later, growing a bit taller, and they don’t want me to hand them a jacket as they walk out the door…it’s not cool. Before I know it, they will be another grade level higher in school, they will continue to grow up…and then another year will have gone by and they will be one year closer to graduation. Being one year closer to graduation of course means needing less of their mom, and a growing intolerance of my goofy ass. I guess at some point I should probably look into growing up too…I hear it’s nice.

I worry senselessly about so many things and as I told my sweet father-in-law after his diagnosis with cancer before we lost him nearly two years ago…(miss you Pop…) “Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair…it will keep you busy, but you won’t get anywhere.” Ever notice how easy it is to give advice, but so hard to actually take it? I also drew a picture of boobs on the dry erase board in his hospital room. See?? Balance.

This is just another transition and we will survive it. I will create new wonderful memories with my growing children and still show them how to be independent, but I will remain hopeful they will always still need me, whether I am being serious or silly.

Thanks for reading my late night ramblings.




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chit – chat


Sometimes I come up with some good advice for people I see on TV, or for people whose conversations I overhear when I am being nosy. I can’t always put my two cents in, so I am going to list a few of the things I missed the opportunity to say when it was relevant.

  • If you are a stripper, something went horribly wrong somewhere along the line.
  • I don’t care how comfy crocs are, you still look like an idiot.
  • Driving a car really fast does require a certain level of skill, but it isn’t a sport.
  • Even though you have been to jail multiple times, you are not authorized to give legal advice.
  • Buying a monster truck doesn’t make you physically taller. Same goes for sports cars in relation to wiener size.
  • If you have sex on the first date, he will only call you again if he’s horny.
  • Don’t marry an asshole, it doesn’t fix it.
  • Yes, you should get that rash checked out, and while you are there, you might wanna mention you have chronic halitosis.
  • Your kid is a whiny, disrespectful asshole who doesn’t listen to you because you are a lazy ass parent, do your kid a favor and whoop his ass every now and again. You are a leader, your child is following you.
  • When you feed your dog table scraps, you can’t be mad at her when she begs for food or has noxious gas and wants to be let out at 2:30am.
  • You have bad credit because you don’t pay your bills on time, so quit blaming everyone else.
  • Don’t get involved in your kid’s 8-year-old playground drama.
  • If you find a diet plan that says you can lose weight by never getting off your couch, that is a scam. Think about it, that’s how you became a fatass.
  • If you are white and you have all black friends, you are still white.
  • Every volatile situation has an insane asshole and a person who can control their shit. Strive to be the calm one.
  • If a person gossips TO you, they also gossip ABOUT you.
  • Every pediatrician says something different, yours isn’t the best. Mine is.
  • Instead of asking God to forgive you for screwing someone over, try asking the person you screwed over for forgiveness instead. Doing it the other way is bullshit.
  • You have to kiss toads to find princes.
  • Don’t whine about the weather, you can’t change it.
  • Just using mouthwash isn’t enough. Go brush your teeth.
  • If your boyfriend slapped you once, he will punch you next time. You deserve it if you didn’t break up after the slap.
  • Dogs are dogs, cats are cats, people are people. I don’t care how much you love your pet, when you have a kid you will kick that dog in the head if it hurts your child, and having a pet is having a companion, having a child isn’t the same. At all.
  • You aren’t cool because you popped your collar. You are still a tool.
  • Teach your kids to chew with their mouths closed before kindergarten. It’s called table manners. Nobody likes a mouth breather.
  • If you are honest, everything in your life will fall into place.
  • Wearing tighter clothes does NOT make you look thinner. Be honest with yourself when you look in the mirror, if it looks like the buttons on any article of clothing you are wearing are working O.T. then you don’t wear that size any more.
  • Getting fake boobs is the best idea. EVER.
  • Decorating and accessorizing are not gifts all women have. You don’t need to wear a ring on every finger unless you are entering a Mr. T look-alike contest.
  • WTF is ’emo’ all about? Go wash your face you pussy.
  • People treat you exactly how you let them treat you. If someone is treating you badly, speak up. Nobody has your back but you.
  • Bulimia is a stupid eating disorder. You eat, then you puke, you eat then you puke, you eat then you puke. Anorexia is where it’s at. You don’t eat, then you don’t puke. Ta Da! Cut out the middle man. Streamline that shit. Save all that food money for truck stop speed. You’re welcome.

Thank you and goodnight.