anger. it’s only one letter away from DANGER.


I never use this blog anymore.  I spend a lot of time angry at myself as a result of that.  I actually spend a lot of my time just plain angry.  I’ve said it a million times before, people like the funny girl when she is witty and funny, notsomuch when she is pissed off or talking about real shit.  Here it goes anyway.

 

I am pissed off about so many things I might not be able to fit it all in one blog.  I guess I can do an ‘angry’ series.  Whatever.

 

Where do I start?  How about my anger toward this world I am trying to raise my children in.  Yesterday I picked my kindergartner up from school and she told me about the drill they had earlier that day.  It wasn’t a fire drill or a tornado drill.  It was an intruder drill.  What is an intruder drill you ask?  It’s where all the kids ‘pretend’ there is a bad guy in their school (the place where they are supposed to feel safe) and he wants to hurt them, so all they have to do is hide and be very quiet so he doesn’t know where they are.  They were told to sit very still and huddle together in the corner while a man walked through the building and beat on every classroom door and tried to get in.  As she was telling me about this drill, I was fighting back two things:  1. Tears  2. Rage.  I elaborated on what they had already told her by telling her she should try to find a really small place where she could tuck herself away and not be seen.  I also told her that if a bad guy came to her school, she might hear other sounds besides him knocking on the door.  I told her it might sound like fireworks like the 4th of July and there might be more than one bad guy, and no matter what kind of scary sounds she hears, she can’t cry or make any sounds.  She didn’t bat an eye when I said these things to her.  Is she that desensitized at the tender age of 5 1/2?  Apparently.  Did I do that to her?  Maybe a little.  I think it could also be the fact that every time we turn on the news in the morning there’s more shootings or robberies or some kind of standoff.  My big kids have an ‘intruder’ strategy as well.  It’s gruesome, but they will just lie in another kid’s blood and play dead.  I can’t believe I just typed that, but it’s the truth.  I am angry that I have to have these types of conversations with my kids.  I do not understand evil, which I guess is a good thing, because ‘it takes one to know one.’

 

I remember April 20, 1999 like it was yesterday.  I was sitting at home, 9 months pregnant with my first child when the horrific massacre took place at Columbine High School.  It was then that I first started to wonder if maybe it was a selfish idea for me to bring children into this world.  So to make myself look like a fool for having just made that statement…my oldest daughter was born in February 2001; when she was seven months old, on September 11, 2001; our country endured the most deadly attack in history.  Violence begets violence, so it has really all just gone on and on since then.  This past month the world watched while news reporters covered the story of an 18-year old kid who was shot in Ferguson, MO.  That’s 30 miles from our home.  As if that wasn’t enough, the only story on EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL was how an angry mob would wait like cockroaches to come out at night and steal and ruin everything in that city.  It was race-driven too, so there was an irrational (but kind of legit) fear that they would start to spread out and attack in unsuspecting predominantly white neighborhoods.  Robbing stores, stealing rims and hair weaves, throwing Molotov cocktails at police, shooting guns and behaving like wild animals.  Why?  All supposedly a part of ‘peaceful protest’ in the name of the man who was gunned down.  What a crock of shit.

 

The United States feels like a world where people can’t let go of anguish or suffering.  People of every ethnicity feel entitled to things because they are bred to feel that way.  Does your back hurt?  You are entitled to disability pay from our government.  Did you have too many babies?  You need free money for that.  Were your ancestors oppressed?  Then line up!  We have money for that!  What is this place?  When did everyone feel like they could just tell you they are entitled to something?  What happened to people just doing nice things because it’s the right thing to do?  Karma is real, everyone.  I don’t care what religion you are or aren’t.  Basically every single philosophy tells you the same story.  It’s not a theory, it’s truth.  You get out of this life what you put into it.  Which is why I am not rich and famous.  I am lazy.  I get distracted easily.  Lately I find myself sitting on the couch every night staring at my phone on some social media website like some kind of fucking zombie while my kids do the same thing.  I am part of the problem.  Can I get a check every month for that?  Ha!

 

I guess there really isn’t a point to this.  I just have to let off a little steam once in a while so that I can sleep at night.  I have problems, but someone else has bigger problems.  I want to be a person who can not only endure my own drama, but also be helpful to friends when they need me.  Lately though, I’m not in the mood.  The LAST thing I need on a very long list of shit is to get a phone call from someone who needs to ‘cry it out’ or have me cheer them up.  I walk around pissed like 97% of the time.  There are other factors at play, but at the risk of losing the livelihood that keeps those phones in my kids’ hands I will refrain.  I literally just typed it all out and then deleted every word.

 

Sorry I didn’t make you laugh, so I will share something with you that will LITERALLY get me through the day tomorrow.

 

Today as we were driving along, my 5-year-old saw a limousine, probably the first one she has seen in ‘real life’ and she said, “Wow!  Is that one of those things that takes the beautiful people to the shows?”

“Yes, it is.”

 

I love that kid.

 

I feel the inclination to apologize for my rant, but I am not sorry.  You have a choice when you read, thank you for choosing Padinkydink.

 

Peace.



4 Things


I just want to preface my little belch here before I ruffle any feathers. I don’t want to offend anyone. We live in a country where we all have the right to speak freely about any topic and we can all have different opinions, I for one am thankful for that, because wouldn’t this world be a boring place if we were all alike?

In my adult life I have noticed four topics that are rarely spoken of. People don’t discuss these things unless they are sure they are in a safe setting where everyone will agree with them. I find it very disheartening when I encounter people who hold their beliefs so close that they can’t open their eyes and see that there may be another angle from which to view things.

We live in a cynical, yet somehow politically polite world where we all try to say the right thing at the right time, so as not to offend anyone around us. What a shame. I rather enjoy being offensive. It just doesn’t pull down as many laughs as it used to, instead it brings about awkward silences and ill placed segways into other conversation. Pity.

Ok…I am rambling, where was I going with this? Oh yes, the four things.

Abortion
Sexuality
Politics
Religion

You can relate all four to one another on some level. In my experience, I have found that people generally have a strong opinion about each. Most of the time, our views are largely based on how we were raised. That doesn’t necessarily mean that we hold the same views as our parents. The way I see it, we have choices. We can become “like” our parents, (that’s the easy route), we can do things our own way, and there’s a happy medium in there somewhere. I do not bust my ass to be poitically correct by any stretch of the imagination, but I don’t go out of my way to offend either. That being said, if you are offended by any of this – please accept my apology. I don’t have any specific person(s) in mind as I write this.

Abortion

Abortion. Webster’s defines abortion as the removal of an embryo or fetus from the uterus to end a pregnancy. May as well get righ to the point here. I am pro choice with some limitations. I don’t agree with the practice of having unprotected sex, then using this approach as birth control multiple times. I don’t condone partial-birth abortion. I believe that nightmarish shit happens sometimes that some of us can’t even fathom having to live through; and I am thankful that there is a way to handle it. I believe this practice should remain legal, and if there should ever come a day when it isn’t, I believe people will find a less sanitary, no- guidelines way to do it and that is much worse than the way it is done now. In my opinion, people who adamantly protest abortion (in some cases) have not been faced with the difficult decision. It is difficult for me to respect the opinions of those who speak about things they have not experienced.

Sexuality. I don’t really understand why this is a controversial topic. If you are heterosexual/homosexualSexuality, you were born that way. Nothing “turns” people gay or makes people straight. Think of this society and how difficult life has proven to be at atleast SOME point in the life of a homosexual person. What kind of masochist would choose that? I grew up in a small town. I have gay friends who grew up there too. I can’t even begin to imagine how torturous it must have been for them as they were struggling with the realization of their “taboo”. I can not imagine what it would be like having something that comprises so much of who I am – stifled to that extreme. It is the equivalent of me trying to hide the fact that I am short. There are laws preventing gay marriage. Why is that even a topic? Why do people get to vote on that?? How is any one human who was born heterosexual more significant than someone who wasn’t? It’s really just a roll of the dice. Why can’t all people just have the same rights across the board? If you are of the age of consent to be married, you should just grab the hand of the person you want to marry, ask them to marry you, then go get married. Period.

PoliPoliticstics. This is a pretty broad subject, but I am talking in general about Democrats vs. Republicans. To me, it’s just one more label to slap on each other, and it’s all about someone else having control over you. It’s kinda like high school, being a Prep or a Dork or a Jock or a Skank or whatever you called people at your high school.

I am conservative about very little, and pretty liberal about most things. I don’t believe in “good old fashioned” much. I love my family and I go to work every day to make money to provide for them. At the risk of sounding unintelligent I will say that I don’t really see the importance of being committed to one party over another. Did you ever see the episode of South Park where the choices for the election are the douche bag or the shit sandwich? That’s pretty much how it is anyway. No matter who we elect, that person made promises to you that he/she can’t keep. There is no way to please everyone all the time. How can we be so simple as to think that one person can really take care of ALL the crap they promised on their campaign?

We have a habit of making celebrities out of people in this country, and most of the time, they can never really wrap their head around fame and what it does to their life. It will make or break you. Most of the time it breaks you. Most people in the spotlight cash in at some point and become a puppet in the big show, losing the beliefs they promised to uphold to avoid the risk of becoming “unpopular.” The toy inside rarely resembles the picture on the box. It isn’t their fault. Fame is just bigger than life, even when you are a politician. Imagine that pressure for a moment. Imagine signing up for that!

Last but nReligionot least, Religion. I believe this one ties the other three together. Most of the beliefs people hold regarding abortion, sexuality, and politics are based inside their religious beliefs. I was raised Baptist. So basically I can quote half the bible, King James Version, and I can drink and lie about it. Beyond that I was raised with basic morals that I still carry with me today, but I no

longer take the bible as literally.

I was raised with the concept that all Christians were trying to get to one place, then I met some Catholics who thought it was really fun to poke fun at me for being Baptist. That really opened my eyes to the fact that Christianity can’t possibly be the only way to believe. I have tried to learn as much as I can about all sorts of different religions. I have only attended Christian churches, and the other religions I know a scrap of anything about I learned from reading.

I will say that my most recent finding is that Buddhism is the closest “anything” that resembles what I believe, (it’s not even technically a religion.) It is difficult now for me to abandon all the things I learned as a child and to flat out say, “I don’t believe in God.” Mostly because as Christians, we are trained to believe that it’s blasphemy to say such a thing, and the moment it rings aloud people instantly go to the other extreme an assume…”You don’t believe in God, so you worship Satan.” It is a very difficult thing for me to say out loud, but after much soul searching, it’s how I feel, and based solely on what I have seen in my life and things I have experienced. If you believe you are a good Christian, you may feel the urge to pray for me. In my experience, instead of praying for someone or trying to “bring the lost sheep back to the fold” non-believers are abandoned and shunned by fellow Christians for not believing. They are harshly judged and mocked and disallowed. Practice what you preach people!! Take a good look in the mirror. Some of the most judgmental people on earth are religious. “Soldiers in God’s Army”, the same son of God who has sent you out to spread the gospel – the good word that tells you we are all equal; and if you only believe in Him you will have everlasting life…but they will drop you like third period French if you don’t believe what they say and think like they think. Seeing is not believeing. Belief is blind faith. Belief is not witnessing, instead it’s thinking that what you have heard about is real. Seeing is proof. I have not seen therefore I do not believe. I do trust Kharma. I do know that what you do in this life comes back to you, not always in the same form. So be good to each other.

If we all treat one another with equality and try to be fair, we can put ourselves in other people’s shoes before we act on our impulses. If we do that, we reciprocate respect. If we do that, this world we live in becomes a better place.

As I said before, I am thankful for the forum to be able to use my voice to say what I believe and be able to do it in such a wonderful country. I am thankful for the freedom men and women have fought for so I can say all the things I just said and not have to look over my shoulder in fear of my life or security. I have opened myself here and shared what I believe about very sensitive top secret stuff. I still have an open mind. I hope you do too. I have not put these things out there to try to sway anyone to believe as I do. If you are my friend you will appreciate my beliefs as I do yours.

Peace.