Withering


Today I caught a glimpse of a show featured on OWN (The Oprah Winfrey Network), I know, I know.  James walked through the living room when he saw it and immediately asked if he could change the channel.  He was only in the house for a moment to use the bathroom, on his way out the door to continue to do yard work, but he knew…if I watched anything on OWN he was going to have to hear about it later.  I will spare him from the details, for one thing I don’t think he reads my blog, and for another he has already heard me say this stuff before.  He doesn’t even take me seriously.  That in and of itself should tell me something.

 

The guest on this show was Author Elizabeth Lesser, she wrote ‘Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow’.  I called my best friend and told her about it after watching the first 5 minutes of it.  I watched only 5 minutes more and I had to turn it off.  The words and story of Ms. Lesser hit so painfully close to home with me I couldn’t watch another moment.  I was easily brought to tears, and then reflected on my own life and as I always do, I said aloud, “I have GOT to make some changes.”  The premise of the book, and the meaning behind the title “Broken Open” is that she said we as individuals are all wound up really tightly like the bud of a rose.  We could easily stay safely wound in our ‘bud’ and never change or do anything, and in doing so we may shrivel up and die on the vine.  But, if we put ourselves out there and follow who we are in our souls, then we break open and follow our destiny.  Usually that happens when something in our lives forces us to do so.  Sure, there are brave souls among us who can venture out beyond our comfort zones and take risks.  There are people who fly by the seat of their pants, and in their lives they endure heartache and rejection and are resilient to failures.  But most of us (me included) fear exactly that.  What if I try something and take a risk and then I lose?  What if I do something and it doesn’t work?  I have had my share of heartaches.  I have been in a shitty marriage followed by an even shittier divorce.  I got myself and my kids out of it.  Had I not done that, I would have shriveled up and died there.  I don’t look at that as a risk I took, but a necessity for my sanity and for the love of my babies.  I thought that part of my life was over, but still, 8 years after that situation has ended, I am still finding out more things that happened during that marriage that I was oblivious to, and even though I am happily married to a wonderful man now, hearing about how foolish I was then stings no less now.

 

But I digress, that isn’t really why I am feeling the need to break open now.  I am miserable in other ways.  I am a creative person who loves to write and share funny things and entertain people.  I want to somehow parlay that into a career of writing.  I really believe I can help people who have been in my shoes.  I believe I have answers within me that can change other peoples’ lives for the better.   However, I am currently not following that dream.  I am currently doing accounting for a living.  I am going to shrivel up and die.  I die a little each day when I have to drag my head off the pillow, and my feet to the floor, walk to the shower, to iron my business casual outfit for the day, to fix my hair, to put on makeup, to brush my teeth, to get in my car, to drive there, to walk the country mile from my car to the door, down the stairs into the florescent cube farm to spend 8 mind-numbing hours in the nerdery on my adding machine counting the minutes until I can clock out and go home.  Then, the precious few hours I have with my family are tainted by my disdain for my career and my unhappiness and I am wasting everyone’s time and keeping a short fuse and not being the best Lesley I can be.

 

I hope that I don’t get fired for writing this, and if I do I guess that will force me to break open and finally end my misery,  but I do not find my day job to be rewarding.  I do not fit in there.  I do not know how to relate to people who want to work in an office environment.  I need to be here or anywhere else being a writer or start a vlog or something, almost ANYTHING else but that.  And to make it even better, my direct supervisor doesn’t like me.  It’s exhausting.  I feel like I am going to panic sitting here right now knowing I am less than 12 hours away from 8 more hours of it tomorrow.  I thought I was one step closer to something new and exciting.  My husband bought me a camera to mount in my car so that my conversations with my daughter in the morning could be webcast on a YouTube channel, but ALAS the fucking thing didn’t record sound.  So now it is sitting upstairs on a dresser collecting dust until he sends it back.  It seems there is always some roadblock or reason or way that my dream is on hold.  I just want to get up off my ass already.  I also want to scream and punch shit.

 

I am good at what I do.  I don’t ever just sit there and do other stuff or ignore the importance of what I am doing, but I do loathe it.  I file the stuff I am supposed to file, I call the people I am supposed to call, I complete all my assigned tasks each and every painstaking one of them.  I am not complaining because I need the advice of my readers.  I am complaining because it gives me a reason to do something to make a change.  I do not have a college degree, and I have NO desire to get one.  I am painfully aware that I am the ONLY person working there who does not have one.  I believe the fact that I not only hold my own but excel in what I do there is a testament to the fact that I don’t need a degree.  I admit it does kinda sting a little to hear everyone around me talk about college and how it was when they went and I do feel like I missed out on something there.  I am the only woman in my office who has 3 children.  Everyone else has 0-2 children.  I am social with only one or two of my co-workers because the rest of them probably whisper about how weird I am.  I struggle each day to fit like a square peg in a round hole.  I wish I could be like them just so the misery would be less, but I am not.  I am outspoken, age-inappropriate, not Catholic like the rest of them seem to be, a loser who never went to college and I just can’t seem to make things click.

 

I am not going to go back and re-read this.  I am going to post it “raw” because that’s the only way to have it be what I am really trying to say.  I am buying a copy of that book.  One day I hope to shelve it next to my very own and maybe be an esteemed author who helps another misfit such as myself find a way to make changes.  I just can’t live this life forever because it is quite literally killing me.  Off to go write some more someecards and take vicodin until I can sleep.

 

Love and kisses,

Your bundle of hope, PDNKYDNK

 

 

 

 


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